Never Give a Man a Gun

Babies need a lot of stuff. From what I can tell, most of it revolves around pooping, eating, and staying warm. However, industry has come up with a bevy of plastic crap you think you need as well. How's a new parent to cope? Make other people buy it for you! My friend Cheney is throwing my local shower. My mom is planing one for my "adult lady friends" back home. While the events could not be more different, one thing remains the same. Both planners are harping on me for not registering. I know I should. I certainly don't trust my childless friends to purchase anything practical. In fact, with out a registry to follow, I'm pretty sure I'd end up with 20 baby blankets... which are great, but very limited in the clothing and poop containment fields.

By some sick twist of fate, or just a very poor economy, my home town is equipped with two option for shopping: cute, independently owned, high priced boutiques, or big box stores such as Kmart and Target. While it would be fun to register for a closet worth of cute $40 organic onesies decorated by local artists, the only place that has a wide spectrum of baby stuff and is accessible to just about any one on the planet is Target. Best of all I can register for things like onesies and breast pumps as well as a coffee maker and Play Station 3. Whether I can play video games while nursing is another topic altogether. A woman can dream, can't she?

Registering has a tendency to make one giddy. I should know, I did this when I got married. In case you are one of the many mothers out there retaining the glamour of a paper free existence like Angelina Joli I'll break the process down. Go to a large chain store. Ikea, Target, and even snooty over priced baby shop chains will have registries. They are usually located near the entrance and/or help desks. No, don't bother looking for a real breathing person. What you want is an ATM like box with an awkward tiny keyboard or useless touch screen. Select your desired registry: wedding, baby, or I want stuff so buy it for me. Follow the simple instructions and answer all the questions regarding your name, date of birth, favorite colors, and degree of chocolate cup cake craving. After enduring a few minutes of back seat registering, throw in the towel and let your significant other type in the information. When you're done the machine should produce some paper, or a live employee will show up and direct you to the correct counter.

After a 30 second crash course in laser operation safety you will be presented with a portable bar code reader. In a ploy to increase sales, the employee will, without fail, hand this "zapper gun" to your husband. Ladies, relax and let your husband drive. While he's off wandering the rows of wide screen TVs you can sit at the snack bar and munch cookies, or spend a little quality time shopping for shoes. You can go online and add bottles brushes and onesies at your leisure at home. You don't even have to put on pants! Besides, given the rampant popularity of box stores these days, chances are good that the store will be both totally trashed and sold out of anything you want to own. Unlike IKEA with its bargain bins of 100 tea candles for $3.50 and in store meatball specials, Target saves all the good stuff for online. Oh, and all those cute big designer clothes Target uses in its adds? A quick first person survey of the goods reveals the real reason Issac could make those leopard print trenches for $29.95. Those little children in China should be ashamed for peddling such shoddy goods! Be warned, cheep stuff looks better online...maybe I should look into those $40 organic onesies a little more.

When your head feels ready to explode and you're experiencing temporary blindness from being chased with a hand held laser, return the gun to the desk, buy a box of chocolates, and wander down to the food court for a little retail therapy recovery session.